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  Rocky bravely turned his face slowly to Dr. Pelchat’s and looked him in the eyes. “Yes,” Rocky finally said through clenched teeth.

  Dr. Pelchat suddenly smiled. “Good.”

  He stood up straight, turned around, and sat back down in his seat next to Geoffrey. Rocky let out a sigh of relief when Dr. Pelchat sat down. We all sighed in relief for Rocky. I even felt afraid for him. Tai’s face was flushed white. She looked like she was the one who had been scolded.

  “Did you ever really try any of those drugs?” Dr. Pelchat asked.

  Rocky looked up from his sweaty hands. We’d all thought that Dr. Pelchat had gotten off his back.

  “Well? Have you?” Dr. Pelchat asked, looking away from Rocky and turning his head to someone else. “Tai?” he called out to her.

  Tai took a deep breath and nodded at him. “Uh- yes, just not- I mean, I haven’t tried heroin, but you know. It was some bad stuff. I mean, I don’t really know- it was kind of-”

  Dr. Pelchat cut her off. “What did doing those drugs do to you? Why did you feel like you had to do it?”

  This question proved easier to answer. When he asked her that question, his tone had softened, and he looked deep into her eyes. She thought for a moment and then responded.

  “Well, it took me away. For those moments when I was high, it was, well, it was exhilarating. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t get angry. I couldn’t feel those things that made me human. I didn’t want to be human if I had to feel those things. The people that I did drugs with would just let me be. They wouldn’t bother me or make me talk about anything.”

  The thin boy sitting next to Rocky pulled his shirt over his mouth, and I could tell that he was laughing. He was trying to use the top of his shirt to cover it up. Dr. Pelchat and everyone else ignored him.

  “When I came down,” Tai continued with deep thought. “When I came down, all those problems that I was trying to smoke away were right there with me, except they felt ten times as worse.” Tears were falling from her eyes. “So I tried to make that feeling stop. I did take that heroin, Dr. Pelchat. They gave it to me, and they left me alone. When I tried to tell them that I needed them to call my dad, they just laughed. I got so scared. I felt my lungs swell up like balloons, and they put all this pressure on my chest. I thought my lungs were going to explode.

  “I don’t remember much after I passed out, but the doctor said that my liver had collapsed, and that my right lung had stopped working. I have to get surgery, and I am not sure if I will be able to, since this will be my second time getting a new liver. The first time was when I was a baby. I was born with a bad liver, not because of drugs or anything. So, I was given another liver to save my life. The doctor said that I might have a hard time getting another liver because I had already been given one to save my life. It’s like I just didn’t care, and I wanted to mess up or something, but that’s not it. It was because I couldn’t get rid of it, not even by doing more. I just couldn’t make it stop. There seems like there’s just no way to make it stop. I’m a coward. That is why I did it.”

  “Tai,” Dr. Pelchat said. “Honestly, I think that you are the bravest person in this room right now.”

  “Why?” she asked.

  “You know why,” he told her.

  “Tell me why,” she pleaded.

  “No, Tai,” he said softly, “Tell us why.”

  “Because I lived through it,” she said. “And because I am here.”

  Dr. Pelchat said, “You said it. Not me, not Dr. Bent, not anyone else. You said it, Tai.”

  Geoffrey passed Tai a box of tissues. Tai wiped her eyes and smiled at Dr. Pelchat. Janine smiled and gave her a warm hug.

  Dr. Pelchat looked over at Rocky and said, “Are you impressed? Does she have a better story?”

  Rocky didn’t look at Dr. Pelchat. He kept his eyes down, looking at his hands as he rubbed them together.

  Geoffrey cleared his throat and leaned forward. He saw that Rocky was not going to respond, so he said, “Hey Rocky, I know that it seems like we’re busting your chops here. The thing is that we don’t encourage illegal drug use. You can’t come in here and use drugs or offer them to other people. If you are caught doing either of those things, you will be sent to jail. We don’t want that. We want you here so that you can actually get some help.”

  Rocky sat still, looking at Geoffrey as he spoke. When Geoffrey finished, Rocky’s hard expression had slightly disappeared. He seemed humbled. It was probably because Geoffrey was being nice about it.

  After that episode, Dr. Pelchat turned his attention to me. When he looked at me, I felt my insides squirm uncomfortably. He had this look. It was a different look than earlier. It was more stern and intimidating. I didn’t like it.

  “You’re Kristen,” he said. He must have been going through a Cadence syndrome. He seemed to like messing with the new people. “What drugs do you take?”

  I looked at him, confused. “I’m sorry, I don’t do drugs,” I said.

  “Sure you do,” he said with a weird smile. “Every patient in here does drugs.”

  “I don’t know what you-”

  He cut me off from talking. “What drugs, as in medications, do you take, Kristen?” he clarified.

  “Risperdol.”

  “Oh, okay,” he said. “Impressive.”

  Rocky rolled his eyes.

  “Very impressive,” Dr. Pelchat continued. “Is it for schizophrenia?”

  “No!” I almost shouted, but said with an angry tone.

  “Why did you say it like that?” Cadence asked me. “You’re not better than me!”

  “Calm down, Cadence,” Geoffrey said.

  “Okay, so what about that?” Dr. Pelchat pressed on. “Why are you on Risperdol?”

  I looked around the room. Everyone was staring at me. I guess it was Dr. Pelchat’s turn to gang up on me now.

  “I didn’t mean anything by saying-”

  “Risperdol is used to treat paranoia. It can also help with its symptoms, such as racing thoughts, delusions, and other symptoms depending on the dosage,” Dr. Pelchat said. “If you think that you’re just using Risperdol to get a good night’s sleep, then that’s far off. Moreover, if your doctor is letting you believe that that’s all you need it for, then he’s not giving you the right information. Kristen, I’m not that kind of doctor. I am going to give you the whole truth of it all.”

  He’s right, I thought. He’s not that kind of doctor. He’s a jerk.

  “Before being put on medicine - an anti-psychotic, like Risperdol - symptoms of schizophrenia may be obviously present in someone,” he concluded. “I’m not telling you that you are schizophrenic, Kristen. I’m not your doctor, and we haven’t spent enough counseling sessions together for me to know that about you. I can’t diagnose you. My point to you and everyone in here is that it is important that you know and understand your drugs. You need to know what your doctors are giving you. I know that there’s a nurse behind that counter with a big medication dictionary, and she’ll let you read it, but that’s not enough. You have to become educated.

  “If you want real answers, you need to ask real questions. Talk to your doctors about what they are shoving down your throat, and why you have to take it. Don’t be afraid. Because I’ll tell you this, if you mess around and don’t ask questions, you can get on the wrong medicine and can end up with some long–term, damaging effects. The wrong medicine can do the wrong job. For many people it only makes life worse. Most of the people that you hear about are in long–term, psychiatric facilities. These are places where they lock them up and sometimes throw away the key. Some of them are there because people have given up on them.

  “A few of these people are there because their brains are so fried from drugs. Not just the illegal drugs, but drugs prescribed by their doctors, right along with countless numbers of misdiagnoses. These people sit in these hospitals with no chance at a real life. They are there until the day that they die. Most of them are already dead.


  So, you think that most of you want to die now, use illegal drugs, and abuse your current medications that your doctors give you. Just mess up one time and see what happens. There are worse things than death, and there are worse things than living with the problems that you have now. One of those things is being alive while you are already dead, just like those people.”

  CHAPTER 17

  Visiting hours were after lunch on Saturdays. Janine’s father and little brother came to visit her, as she had said they would. Daniel’s mother and grandmother came to visit him. Cadence had an older sister visit her. She brought with her new clothes for Cadence. Chris’ mother and his big brother came to visit him.

  No one came to visit Rocky, because his doctor had not approved visitors for him yet. Rocky went to his room, angry and wiping at his tears, when everyone’s visitors arrived. I sat at a table in the main room with Tai. Tai didn’t have any visitors, either, and she didn’t seem too surprised.

  She told me, “Why should I expect him to come visit me on his only day off of work? It’s the only day that he has to spend time with her.”

  Someone called out to me. I turned around in my seat, and I saw a beautiful woman standing by the counselor’s desk, leaning over and looking back at me. My insides felt like my skin, and my bones wouldn’t hold. Tears came out of my eyes before my arms were around Lexus. My mother grabbed me and hugged me before I was out of Lexus’ arms. I tried to wipe the tears away before we all pulled apart.

  “Hi,” Lexus said with a smile. “It’s good to see you.”

  She probably didn’t know what to say in a situation like this. Yes, she was visiting a friend in a hospital, but under the circumstances, “I hope you get well soon” wasn’t quite fitting for the occasion. A nice, “Hi, it’s good to see you” did just fine.

  “It’s good to see you too, Lexus,” I said.

  My mother looked at me and grabbed my arm, nearly knocking Lexus out of her way. She gave my arm a pinch and smiled so much that it seemed fake. It scared me a little because I had never seen her try so hard to seem pleasant.

  “Where do we sit?” she asked me.

  I led them over to the sitting area in the main room. It seemed like, when Lexus entered the room, it lit up. Everyone was staring at her. She was so beautiful. Chris offered his chair to Lexus, even though there were plenty of empty ones around. She said, “No, thank you,” and we settled for the table in the far corner of the room, where Tai and I had been sitting together.

  Tai rose up out of her chair as we approached the table. She looked at Lexus strangely and said, “Who’s this?”

  “This is my mother and my best friend,” I told her.

  Still looking at Lexus, Tai raised her eyebrows. Her expression made her look like she was shocked by what I had said. She quickly readjusted this expression, and smiled slightly, curling her lip up on one side.

  “Nice to meet you,” Tai said to Lexus. Then she turned away from us and walked to the Girls’ Unit.

  Lexus frowned and said, “I can’t stay too long. I have to help my mom and dad out with party planning. I just wanted to come see you today.”

  “I’m glad you came,” I told her.

  “My mom and dad say hello, and they said that they will try to come visit you soon.”

  “How’s your man doing?” my Mom asked.

  I silently looked down at my hands that were resting in my lap to avoid eye contact with Lexus.

  She smiled and, with a small giggle, she said, “He is fine.”

  My mother flashed that fake smile again and said, “That’s wonderful.” Then she turned her attention to me. “How are they treating you in here? Is it prison, like you thought it was?”

  “No,” I said. “It’s okay.”

  “Do you see a doctor?” Lexus asked.

  “Yes, I see Dr. Cuvo every day,” I told her.

  “Oh, yes, it’s Dr. Cuvo. How is he?” Mom asked.

  “I guess he’s okay. He seems fine when I see him,” I said.

  I was waiting for more questions when I noticed Chris leaning over his table, staring at Lexus. He blushed when she turned to him and said hello. He waved to her and looked away. Lexus turned back to us, and rolled her eyes, annoyed.

  I could tell the change from Chris to Jake by the sudden way he went from being coy to being assertive, and making vulgar gestures at her. Lexus didn’t understand the transition, and she almost got up out of her seat, but his older brother explained to her Chris’ condition. Chris sat, silently confused, because he couldn’t recall what had happened. His brother didn’t want to tell him, but Chris apologized anyway. Chris and his brother went to the other side of the room so that Lexus wouldn’t feel too uncomfortable.

  The damage was done already.

  Lexus looked at me and said, “Is it always like this in here?”

  “Well, Lexus,” I responded, “This is a mental hospital.”

  “Yes, it is,” she said in a snobbish tone.

  My mother kept her gaze on me. I could tell that she was uncomfortable too, but she was trying to stay poised. She was probably waiting for Lexus to leave so that she could get whatever she needed to say to me off her chest.

  Lexus’ cell phone rang, and she reached into her purse. She answered, “This is Lexus. Hey, you! Of course, I won’t be late. I was just finishing up at the hospital.”

  She turned to me and smiled. Then she excused herself and walked away from the table to the other side of the room to have more privacy.

  Feeling alone, I turned to my mother. I wondered whom Lexus was speaking with. Almost sure of whom it was, wanting to be sure of whom it was, and worried about being alone with Mom after Lexus left me, I felt completely empty and overwhelmed at the same time. I hated when I felt that way.

  “Nicholas and Alison both miss you,” Mom said.

  “I miss them,” I said as I nervously pulled at my sleeves.

  The silence came back. We stared at each other when the other person was not looking. I thought that we’d go on like that until Lexus came back, but I was wrong. It wasn’t too long before Mom unleashed her true emotions.

  “Just tell me. Why the hell did you do it?” She was stern and mean, but kept her voice low so that no one else could hear.

  I shuddered when she spoke.

  “What are you trying to do to me?” She blinked a lot when she got angry. “Are you mad at me about something? Is this some cry for attention? Jesus! You are almost eighteen years old, Kristen. You are almost an adult. This is not the way adults behave. Children do stupid things for attention.”

  I felt so alone and stupid. I wanted to say, No, Mom, it was not a cry for help or attention. I want to die. Just let me die. I couldn’t say anything. I stayed silent, and I listened to her talk. I tried not to cry, but I couldn’t help it. Mom just wouldn’t understand.

  “Talk to me!” She caught herself before she got too loud.

  I opened my mouth, but only a cry came out. I covered my face with both of my hands when I saw Geoffrey look over from the desk.

  Mom sighed heavily. “I can’t do this,” she said as she threw her hands up into the air. “I don’t understand. Help me understand. What is your problem? I believe that you knew what you were doing. How did you think this would affect us? What about Nick and Alison? Do you think they need a sister who they learn what not to do from? Do you think they know how to feel when their big sister, who they are told to look up to, goes and does something completely selfish and stupid like what you did? Huh? Answer that for me, Kristen.”

  The tears did not stop running down my face. I never wanted to hurt my Nickyroo or Alison. They both had been through enough already, especially Nick. I couldn’t breathe because I was trying not to cry aloud. I had to hold my breath. It was almost as if my mother and I were the only ones here. No one seemed to hear her scolding me, not even the ever-watchful Geoffrey.

  Mom wasn’t loud or yelling, but she was piercing me with her words. She made my
insides rattle. I felt my chest burning and my cramps tightening. My heart was cracking from the core. I was a huge mess.

  If only I had been able to cut deeper, I thought to myself.

  Lexus returned to the table with a big smile on her face. “My parents say hello to both of you,” she said. “They hope you feel better soon, Kristen. John says hello too.”

  I looked up as soon as she said his name. The metal ball in my chest wanted to turn. I smacked myself on the chest, not thinking.

  “Kristen,” my mother said. “Don’t hit yourself.”

  I wiped my eyes. “Sorry.”

  Lexus sat down next to me and looked deep into my eyes. “Have you been crying?” she asked me.

  I looked at my mother, and she shook her head at me. I forced a smile to Lexus. “I am just so happy to see you!” I told her. “I got a little teary-eyed.”

  “I’m so happy to see you,” she said as she wrapped her arms around me.

  “Ouch.” My arm was between us. She squeezed me, and it hurt my wrist.

  Lexus looked down. “Oh, no, I am so sorry. Are you okay?” She looked at the bandages and touched them.

  I snatched my arms away and hid them in my lap. “I’m fine. It’s okay, Lexus.”

  “Okay,” she said in her sincere voice. “I have to go now. I told my mom that I would be back in thirty minutes. I will try to come visit you again next week. Get better soon, Kristen. See you later.”

  She gave me one last hug and then she said goodbye to Mom. Geoffrey walked her out. When Lexus was gone, I couldn’t look at Mom.

  “Hopefully you will be out of here in no more than two weeks,” she said. “Your boss knows that you are in the hospital. She called because you hadn't shown up for work. I told her that you are in the hospital, and she said that she hopes you get better. Thank goodness, you still have a job. I brought you some deodorant, some clothes, and,” she paused and reached into her purse and pulled out two small folded pieces of paper, “Nicholas and Alison wrote you letters.”