Her Read online

  One evening I thought I could sneak out. My plan was to go outside and play in the park across the street. I had planned to come home before dinner time so that Mom wouldn’t catch me out when she would arrive home. I figured that, as long as I brought my watch and kept an eye on the time, I would be safe. I put on my baseball cap, made sure my clothes were straight, and tied my shoes. I tightened my watch around my wrists and made my way to the door. As soon as I stepped one foot out of the door, Mom was standing in front of me with her key stretched out to the knob to unlock the door. There was a look of shock on both of our faces. She was shocked to see me at the door. I was shocked, not because Mom was home early, but because there was a man standing beside her. He was tall, dark, and almost handsome in that rugged, industrious kind of way.

  I stepped back, and they entered the apartment. Mom asked me where I was going. I told her that I had heard some noises at the door, and that I wanted to see if she was home early. She bought it, probably because she was in a good mood and did not want to question me further and become disappointed when she found out the truth. She had a way of getting the truth out of me when she knew that I was covering up something. However, the focus at that moment was the stranger she had brought to our home.

  “Kristen, this is Jack. Jack is my friend from the factory. Jack.” She looked at him with seductive eyes. “This is Kristen.”

  “Hey there,” he said.

  He had a thick, southern accent. I wondered where he was from. At the time, I had never heard that accent before, except when I watched re-runs of The Andy Griffith Show on television.

  “Excuse the mess,” Mom told Jack. “It doesn’t always look this way. Kristen didn’t know that we were having a guest. Otherwise, I would have made sure she cleaned up.”

  If you had asked me at the time, I did not think that Jack was interested in the apartment. He made himself right at home, sitting down on our one couch and pulling Mom onto his lap. They began kissing.

  After that day, Jack came over to visit more often. Mom quit one of her jobs, saying that it was too much for her. I knew it was because she wanted to spend more time with Jack. That was what she was doing when she wasn’t at work. I didn’t really mind. I was able to go outside and play when they felt like being alone. I didn’t favor the evenings when Jack spent the night, because we only had one bedroom in our small place. Those were nights that I didn’t get much sleep.

  There came a time when Jack didn’t come around as often as he used to. When days went by without a call from Jack, Mom buried herself in misery. She became depressed and she missed a few days of work.

  One day she came home and said that she was tired, and that she wasn’t going back to her job. I knew, deep down inside, they had fired her. Then, about a week after she had been fired, Mom dragged me down to the factory where she and Jack had previously worked together. She told me to wait behind the building for her as she stepped inside through the back door.

  She was gone for a while until finally she and Jack came out of the building together. She was smiling, and he looked tired. I was confused. Mom leaned toward me.

  She said, “Kristen, everything’s going to be okay. Jack and I are getting married.”

  My mouth dropped wide open.

  “You are?” I didn’t expect to respond aloud, but I couldn’t control myself.

  “Yes,” she assured me. “And you are going to be a big sister.”

  I couldn’t open my mouth any wider. Mom’s eyes were puffy and red. Her face was splotchy, like she had been crying. But she was smiling. Jack wasn’t smiling. He lit a cigarette and looked down at me. I closed my mouth.

  “Okay,” I said calmly.

  “Okay? Is that all you can say, Kristen?” Mom pushed at me.

  I forced myself to say, “Congratulations.”

  I still felt a little uncomfortable around Jack. I didn’t get to spend any time with him before he and Mom got married. The three of us never did anything together. Even at the wedding, while it was taking place, I didn’t feel any connection to him. Nevertheless, I saw that he made Mom happy.

  Mom and Jack got married in a church. My grandmother was there, but Jack’s parents didn’t show up. Jack’s only brother, whose name was Jonathan, was there, along with his wife, Mariah, and their only son at that time, Jonathan Jr. All of us went out to dinner after the ceremony. It was considered a reception. Mom wore a maternity wedding gown, even though she didn’t look that pregnant to me.

  Jonathan Sr. was two years older than Jack. Jonathan and Mariah had been married for ten years at the time. Their son, Jonathan Jr., whom they called John, was eight years old. John was quiet and stayed to himself. His mother made him dance with her a few times at the reception, but he looked like he really didn’t want to be there. I sympathized with him.

  At the reception, Jack looked at me and smiled. That was the first time I had ever seen him smile at me. It was such a handsome, kind, and gentle smile, and it made me feel safe. Jack asked me to dance with him. I nodded, and he took my tiny hands in his and led me to the dance floor. He let me stand on top of his feet and he waltzed me across the floor. I laughed as he made goofy faces at me and swung me from side to side. He was charming.

  That day he told me to call him Daddy. He said that he was a nice man, and that he was going to be my daddy. I knew what a daddy was. Daddies were different from fathers. Daddies took care of their little girls, and protected them from everything. Finally, I was going to have a dad. I had always wanted a dad.

  I let him kiss me on my cheek. At that moment, I fell in love with him. Not in love like Mom was, but in love like little girls are in love with their dads. That’s when Jack became my Dad. I started calling him Dad that day, as he proposed I should do.

  My heart was moved, and I said, “Yes, Daddy!”

  At that moment, my Daddy lifted me into the air and said, “Your Daddy loves you, sweetheart.”

  I said, “I love you too, Daddy.”

  This was a promise. I would never stop loving my Dad.

  Dad decided to move us to Atlanta, Georgia, where his brother lived. He said that he had received a job offer from one of the largest car factories in America. He would be building cars for Ford.

  Mom didn’t hesitate. Two weeks after the news, our bags were packed, and we were ready to go. I was afraid to ask, but before I had a chance to, Mom gave me an opportunity to say goodbye to my real father. Of course, I said yes. I wanted to say goodbye. Dad didn’t have anything to say about it.

  On our way to Atlanta, we stopped at the garage where my father worked. He didn’t even recognize me when I stood before him. He asked me if I was lost. I told him that I was his daughter. He grunted and bent down to my level. He pulled out a twenty-dollar bill and held it out to me.

  He asked, “Is this what your mother sent you here for?”

  I reached out and took the twenty dollars from him.

  “No. I’m here to say goodbye. We are about to move to Atlanta. It’s far away.”

  My father knew that he wasn’t getting his money back. He stood up and shifted his weight.

  “So, you’re leaving,” he said.

  He looked over at the car where Mom and Dad sat, waiting for me. The car had been packed tight with suitcases and small furniture.

  “Who’s that in the car with your Mom?”

  “That’s Jack. They got married. Mom’s having twin babies,” I told him.

  He let out a loud grunt. That was how he let people know he was frustrated or annoyed. I thought it was funny. I giggled. My father hesitated a little at first, but he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. He lifted me off the ground.

  “Be good,” he said as he lowered me back to the ground and turned me loose from his grip.

  “Okay.”

  “Hey,” he called out to me as I started to walk away. “Give me back my twenty dollars.”

  I pretended not to hear him and kept on walking. I climbed into the car, and Dad asked m
e if I was all right. I said I was fine. I really was. We were going to a new home somewhere bright and beautiful. Life was going to be just like in the fairy tales.

  It took almost a week to get across the country to Atlanta, Georgia, because we kept stopping and resting in hotels. Jack drove the whole way because he didn’t want Mom to get sick at the wheel.

  When we arrived in Atlanta, we checked into a hotel. Atlanta was definitely a completely new world for Mom and me. On the day we arrived, the sun was shining and it was warm. I loved the feeling that this move gave me. I thought that we were finally going to be free. I thought our lives were only going to get better.

  Jack moved us into a house a month after being in Atlanta and working at the Ford factory. Mom was starting to show her pregnant belly. Jack was the love of our lives. He rescued us just like in the stories that I used to write. This was supposed to be our happily ever after. We were supposed to live like that forever.

  CHAPTER 3

  I used to like roller coasters. I especially liked the ones at amusement parks that turned me upside down and twisted me from left to right, brought me over a big hump and down the long free-fall, moving so fast that, when it stopped, my stomach felt like I had left it behind. Those rides were so fun.

  Life seemed to have become one of those roller coasters, except this time I didn’t like it. I didn’t like being twisted through life and thrown around out of control, not knowing what horrible thing was going to happen next. One day things were fine, and then everything seemed to start spinning completely out of control. Life became a ride that I wanted to shut down permanently.

  I had always kept in mind that there were others in the world that had it worse than I did. I didn’t want to be selfish. I just didn’t think of it as selfish. Maybe it was selfish of me as a big sister. If I had succeeded in killing myself, my little brother and sister would have been left alone with Mom.

  My mind drifted constantly to Nicholas, and his face when he’d seen me in the ambulance. When Nick was younger, he hadn’t minded me calling him Nickyroo. Of course, being older, it wasn’t a cool thing to do. I hadn’t seen Alison there the night I’d tried to commit suicide. I hoped she hadn’t been there at the house when it happened.

  I was thinking too much. I couldn’t sleep, anyway. I kept my eyes closed until I heard the door open.

  I didn’t want to open my eyes. My head felt like it wasn’t attached to any part of my body. It felt light, like it was spinning on an axis in outer space. I grunted and threw the covers over my face.

  A voice spoke loudly. “Is that how you’re greeting me now?”

  I recognized the voice. I was groggy, but I still knew who it was.

  “Mom…”

  Even though I whispered, she still heard me.

  I felt her sit down beside me on the bed. The covers were still over my face, and my eyes were still closed. I was sad and scared because I was still alive. Tears came out of my eyes. Mom was mad, and I knew it.

  “Hey,” she said in a gentle voice. “Can I have a hug?”

  I stayed under the covers. This was a trick. Why was she being so calm?

  She didn’t give up.

  “Kristen? It’s okay. Please let me see your face. Kristen, take the covers off of your face.” Her voice began to change. She was becoming frustrated. “You could at least…”

  I was staring up at her and she didn’t realize it. She didn’t notice until she almost started yelling at me. I threw out my arms and I let her fall into them. I patted her back as she squeezed me.

  Finally, she let go of me and said, “Look at you,” with sadness in her voice.

  I took a deep breath and prepared myself for what was coming next. It took her a minute to go through her whole act. She sighed. She wiped at her dry eyes as her imaginary tears fell. She shook her head at me and stared down at my heavily bandaged wrists. I kept quiet and let her go through the drama until she was ready.

  When she finally pulled herself together, she asked, “Why?”

  I shook my head.

  “No. You owe me more than that, Kristen! For goodness sake, tell me why you did this!” She yelled as she gestured to my wrists.

  Mom was angry. I should have stayed under the covers. I heard her begin to sob. When I looked at her, there weren’t any tears coming out of her eyes. There were only dry sobs.

  “You know you have to stay here. They said that you have to go to a psychiatric hospital in a few days when you get out of here. They are going to lock you up, Kristen. That’s what happens when you try to kill someone. They lock you up.”

  The last thing I wanted was to be locked up somewhere. I especially didn’t like hospitals, and psychiatric hospitals weren’t any better, from what I had seen on television.

  “When can I get out, Mom?” I asked, afraid.

  She looked down at me. Her eyes were dry and serious.

  “Why? So that you can get out and do it again?”

  I shook my head.

  Mom started to say, “Does this have to do with Jack getting--” but she was interrupted.

  Dr. Cuvo walked into the room. Mom looked startled and quickly rose to her feet. When she realized he was a doctor, she sighed in relief. She greeted Dr. Cuvo, and they shook hands. Dr. Cuvo looked down at me and asked how I was doing. I lied and said that I was fine.

  Dr. Cuvo then turned back to Mom to introduce himself.

  “I’m Dr. Cuvo. I am Kristen’s psychiatrist. Kristen will be transferred to Bent Creek Psychiatric Hospital in a few days. Do you mind if we step into the hallway to speak?”

  He gestured to the door for my mother to follow him. She looked back at me and gave me a sympathetic smile. She touched my face warmly and then followed Dr. Cuvo out the door.

  I waited for something. I grew afraid because I didn’t know what was going on out there. What was he saying to her that I couldn’t hear? I suddenly wanted to go home. I wanted to get away from the hospital. I couldn’t spend another day in this place. I knew that if Dr. Cuvo was explaining things to my mom about what I’d done the other day when we had first met, she would get angrier and more stressed out because of me. She had already seen what I had done, or what I had tried to do, at home.

  I had always been a problem for Mom. I didn’t do these things on purpose. I didn’t want to be labeled as her “troubled child,” because I knew that she had a lot on her plate.

  I hadn’t made things any better for her when her life had taken a wide turn. Jack had seemed to change overnight after the twins had been born, and that’s when things had gotten worse for her. She’d suffered from postpartum depression.

  We’d been a happy family for a little while after the twins had grown older. Mom had started taking anti-depressant medication. She’d asked me to help her out with Nick and Alison. I’d had no problem helping with the twins. I’d adored being their big sister.

  That was how I’d fallen in love with Nicholas. I’d reached for Nick first when I’d first seen the pair. He was my favorite. Nick and I were always doing things together. Mom and Alison spent most of their time together, playing in the garden or doing girly things in the kitchen. Nick and I were more adventurous. We played sports and hunted for treasure in our backyard.

  Dad still played the role of Knight in Shining Armor. He provided for us financially and he kept Mom happy. He did work a lot. Mom always needed someone to lean on. Dad was her strong arm because he was always there when she needed him.

  We were happy those first few years of our lives together as a family. It didn’t last very long. It was around the fifth year that life began to change dramatically. Things started going on behind closed doors. There were many arguments between Mom and Dad. This change in our family started slowly around the time the twins were first born and when Mom was diagnosed with postpartum depression. Then the dramatic change crept up into one big mess all at one time.

  The big moment was when Dad lost his job at Ford. Money problems began to arise, and Mom had
to get a job. I was home with the twins after we got out of school. I had to help in a bigger way, and I did not like that very much. I gave Mom a hard time whenever she asked me to do things like make dinner for the kids and clean up behind them. It seemed like I was being asked to be their mother since she had to work. Mom resented me for my behavior, and she made it known to me by telling me how selfish I was.

  Dad worked odd jobs. He had quit the stable jobs he managed to land. He compared those jobs to Ford, saying that the new jobs weren’t paying as much as he would have been making if he had still been at Ford. Often times, he and Mom didn’t sleep in the same bed because of how angry they would get at each other. Dad didn’t seem to care. His head was somewhere else. It bothered me. Dad and I always talked. If I had something on my mind, I went to him and we discussed it. He didn’t hold back from me, and I loved him for that.

  I remembered the last time it was like that for him and me. It was the last time I remember him being my dad, and our Knight in Shining Armor. I went to him while he was lying on the sofa. Mom had already gone to bed. The twins were asleep.

  “Dad?” I called out to him.

  He looked up at me. He looked as if he did not know who I was. There was no smile, no expression, on his face. I stood, frozen. I did not recognize him.

  “Daddy, are you okay?” I asked him, still standing there.

  He stood up, looking larger than ever.

  “What do you want, Kristen?” he asked.

  He walked towards the kitchen, and I followed behind.

  “Daddy? You and Mom aren’t sleeping in the same room anymore. Are you mad at each other?”

  “No,” Dad said with a warm smile. “Mommy and I just have to take a time out for a little bit. It will be okay.”