Her Page 3

  “I’m scared.”

  We stood in the kitchen. He had started pouring a glass of Jim Beam for himself. He took a sip, stared down at me and said, “There’s no need to be scared.”

  His eyes were glassy. They looked sad.

  He sat the empty glass down on the kitchen counter and bent down to my level. He put his arms around me and hugged me gently. Even though he stank of alcohol, I still wrapped my arms around him, closing my eyes and letting myself take in his comfort.

  “It will be all right, Kristen…It will be all right…”

  What was this pressure? I started to feel his grip on me tighten. He was squeezing me. It started to hurt.

  “It will be all right… all right…”

  “No, Dad, that hurts. Please, Dad, stop.” I started to cry.

  He was hurting me. I had no idea what he was doing. It hurt too much. It was too hard to make a sound, because I could barely breathe. He lifted me up off the floor in his tight grip, and he stared into my eyes. My eyes were wide open as I tried to gasp for air. It felt like he was going to crush me. I cried, afraid.

  “It’s going to be all right…all right…” He kept repeating this over and over.

  Tears fell from my eyes. Dad leaned in and pressed his lips against my open mouth. He was breathing heavily. He kept kissing me, but his kisses were different. It wasn’t like the time he’d kissed me at his and Mom’s wedding. This was like a monster trying to devour a child whose closet it had been hiding in. The monster came out. Before I realized what he was trying to do, I heard Mom’s frantic voice.

  “Kristen!” she shouted at me.

  The monster dropped me to the floor. It felt like a long way down. My hip landed on the hard wood.

  “What is going on here?” Mom had a look on her face that scared me.

  “Kristen! Now, I told you to have this kitchen cleaned up!” the monster shouted.

  Mom looked at him. Then she looked down at me. The monster walked over to my mother and put a hand on her shoulder. She stiffened at his touch.

  “What the hell were you doing to my daughter?” she asked him.

  The monster leaned into her and began talking to her. He was talking so low that I couldn’t hear anything he was saying. It must have been convincing enough for her because, by the time he was finished, she was already like putty in his hands. She wrapped her arms around him and they hugged.

  “I’ll be to bed in just a minute. Let me finish up here with her,” the monster told Mom.

  Mom looked back at me and hesitated turning away. The monster kissed her cheek and assured her that everything was fine. He shooed her away gently and watched her disappear down the hall.

  When I heard their bedroom door shut, I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what was coming next from this monster whom I had never seen before.

  He approached me and said, “Kristen, I have to do this.”

  “Do what, Dad? What are you talking about?”

  “I told your mother that you hadn’t done your chores like you were supposed to. Look at this mess.” He pointed to the cup that he had just drunk from. “I told you, you have to have this kitchen cleaned by the time your mother and I get home from work.”

  “Dad, I –” Chunks were rising in my throat. I grew afraid of the monster as he slowly started to come closer towards me.

  He wasn’t my dad. Who was he?

  Jack snatched my arm and twisted me around. He raised his large hand at me. I watched as his hand came down and struck my rear end as if it were a piece of dough. He went slowly at first. Then there was a look in his eye. His face changed. The monster had taken over him.

  He began hitting me harder and faster. I screamed aloud. He took the other hand and covered my mouth. I couldn’t move. The monster was too strong. He somehow held me as still as he could, with that one hand on my mouth, and he kept hitting me with the other. He was sweating, and his breathing was outrageous. His eyes were wide as the sweat dripped into them.

  The pain became almost unbearable. I felt like I was going to pass out. Before I could completely black out, he stopped. He fell backward and hit the wall behind him. He was exhausted. I was exhausted. I crawled along the floor to the table to get as far away from him as I possibly could. I tried to sit down, but I was hurting too much. I covered my mouth as loud cries, which I seemed to have no control over, came out of me.

  “Kristen, I didn’t do this to hurt you,” he lied. “I did this to prepare you for what you have to live with. You have responsibilities that you have to uphold. Life is not a handout. You are not always going to get everything you want.”

  I cried harder, confused.

  “Shut up!” he yelled at me. “You don’t have anything to cry about. When I was a child, we got it a lot worse than that little spanking you just had. If I even once cried the way you are doing right now, I’d get more!”

  He balled his fists up and strained his face to show how intense his punishments must have been.

  “You have it way too easy. The way your mom used to let you get away with everything! If I didn’t do my chores, do you know what they would do to us? I was woken up from my sleep and I was beaten! Beaten! It was not a spanking, because there is a big difference. Then I would have to stay up and clean until it was spotless. And I still had to get up and go to school in the morning. So, you had better fix your face right now. Fix it!” His voice echoed off the kitchen walls.

  I wiped my eyes as fast as I could and sucked in my cries.

  Jack, the monster, continued, “I didn’t even have my own room. Did you know that? I had to share with Jonathan. I had to share everything with my brother. You should be thankful and stop being selfish. Help your mother out more around here.”

  His words cut me deep inside. I didn’t mean to be selfish. I didn’t want to be selfish. Maybe I did deserve it.

  “I’m sorry,” I said to him.

  “Now, go to bed.” He pointed towards the hallway that led to my bedroom.

  I started walking towards my room. When I got there, I let myself fall onto my bed. I lay there for a while, crouched up. I was useless. I hoped that I wouldn’t make him angry like that anymore.

  From then on, I stayed on top of my chores and tried my best to stay out of Jack’s way when he was in monster mode.

  As I tried to stay out of his way, I noticed that Nicholas was getting more in his way. Nick and I were always able to talk to each other, and I told Nick to stay out of Jack’s way as much as possible. Nick told me that he would, because it scared him when I told him about the spanking. Truthfully, I wanted to scare Nicholas. It was better I scare him than Jack. This was my way of protecting him. Alison didn’t seem to need protection. She was with Mom when Mom wasn’t at work, and Jack didn’t seem too interested in her, anyway. It was always Nick and I who were being yelled at.

  Nonetheless, I wanted to protect both of them as much as I could. I would always hate myself for the day that I decided to hang out with my best friend Lexus and her parents one weekend. When I came home from Lexus’s house, I realized I had arrived in the middle of a nightmare. When I entered my house, Alison ran to me with tears in her eyes. She was so afraid that she couldn’t even speak clearly. Mom was on the couch, reading a magazine, when a loud scream came from the hallway that led to our bedrooms.

  Mom stood up suddenly. “What was that?” she asked Alison. “Where’s Nicholas?”

  “Daddy…” Alison managed to get out from between her quivering lips. “Daddy, he –” She started stuttering.

  I hugged her as Mom walked up beside us.

  “Alison, where’s Nicholas?” I asked her.

  “Daddy ripped the cord out of the TV.” She couldn’t say any more. She fell into Mom’s arms and cried harder.

  I stormed toward Nicholas’ bedroom. I heard the loud and torturing whacks of the cord going against his flesh. His screams sounded morbid. I grew afraid. I put my hands on the knob to open the door, but it was jammed. I co
uldn’t get in.

  Nick screamed in what sounded like agony, “Daddy, no! Please, Daddy, no!”

  I started crying with him and Alison. Mom held on to Alison tightly. I ran for the telephone and started to dial 911. Mom rushed over, snatched the phone out of my hand, and hung up the receiver. I looked at her, shocked.

  “What are you doing, Mom? He’s killing Nicholas! He’s killing him!” I could hardly breathe. I was crying so hard.

  “No, he’s not trying to kill him. He doesn’t mean it. You don’t know what he has been through. I can handle this.”

  “No! I’m calling the police this time!” I shouted.

  That’s when I felt her hand go across my face. She slapped me hard enough for me to see stars.

  “I’m the adult here. You listen to me. You better not pick up the phone,” she threatened. She turned to Alison and said, “Baby. It’s going to be okay. Nick is okay.” Her voice softened as she leaned down to her youngest daughter.

  Alison stood with her hands covering her ears. Tears rolled down her face. I watched Mom storm away towards Nicholas’ room. I leaned down and grabbed Alison in my arms. I held her to comfort her, but her cries wouldn’t stop.

  I heard Mom burst through Nicholas’ bedroom door.

  “That’s enough, Jack! That’s enough! You are hurting him too much!”

  I heard Jack say, “What do you think I am doing?”

  “I don’t know, Jack. I don’t even think you know what you are doing! Look at yourself! You are hitting him with a television cord!” Then her tone grew gentle. “Honey, you can’t do that.”

  “You think I’m abusing him? I would never abuse my own child! What do you think I am?”

  “I know, Jack. I know,” she calmly said to him. “But I think he’s got the point, now.”

  I let Alison go, and made her sit down. I walked towards Nicholas’ bedroom. When I got there, I saw Mom hugging Jack. The television cord was lying on the floor next to Nicholas, who was also on the floor.

  What is going on? I thought.

  I looked down at Nicholas, all alone and in pain. I wanted to go to him and hold him in my arms to stop his crying. Jack stared me down when I came to the door. His eyes held so much anger. It was as if he was daring me to go to Nicholas. I was afraid he was going to hurt me if I moved any closer.

  Nicholas was crouched up with his knees pressed close to his chest. He was shivering. Mucus and tears drenched his face. He was bruised all over his back and his legs. I could see the whip marks, red and deep, on his skin. Some of his wounds were bleeding.

  I couldn’t stand still. I walked over to Nicholas and pulled him into my arms. I looked up at Mom as she held onto Jack and comforted him. Anger welled up inside of me. I felt my nostrils flare at her the way they did when I was very angry.

  I helped Nicholas up and put a robe over him. Alison hadn’t listened to me when I’d told her to stay put on the couch in the living room. She stood in the doorway, crying. Jack went over to her and hugged her.

  “Why are you crying?” he had the nerve to ask her.

  “Because Nick is hurting,” she cried.

  “Nick only got a spanking,” Mom covered up. “He’s all right.”

  I glared at Mom. Mom hugged Alison, and she and Jack took Alison to her bedroom to calm her down. I stayed with Nick. I looked at him as he took a deep breath and wiped his face with his hands.

  “Nick,” I called out to him once we were alone. “I told you to stay out of his way. I am sorry I wasn’t here. What happened?”

  “I didn’t clean my room, and he…It’s hard to stay out of his way, Kristen. He’s always -” He stopped.

  “He’s always what?” I asked.

  He didn’t answer me. He just looked at me.

  “Does Dad try to do things to you?” I asked him as low as I could so that no one else could hear me.

  His eyes grew big in shock. “What do you mean?”

  “Listen to me, Nick. I want you to know that you can tell me anything. You can tell me absolutely anything you want to tell me. Does Dad ever try to touch you the bad way?”

  Nick looked down and shook his head.

  “No?” I had to make sure.

  “No,” he whispered. Then his large, brown eyes looked up at me. He opened his mouth to say something to me. I waited for something - a sound, a word, and a nod - anything to assure me.

  “Nicholas!”

  Jack called out to him from the doorway behind me. I froze in fear. Nick turned away from me and started picking up his room as Jack entered. Jack stared down at me and then looked at Nick. He put one hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. I wouldn’t warm up to him. I tensed in anger, and he let me go. He started toward Nicholas.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. Oh, look at you, you’re bleeding. I’m sorry, son. I’ll clean that up for you in the shower. Why don’t you come on in there with me so that I can help you?” He smiled at Nicholas.

  I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to tell him to get out and leave us alone, but I couldn’t. Nicholas nodded at Jack and said he’d take a shower with him so that Jack could help him clean up. Jack left the room with a sympathetic smile. I wasn’t fooled. I told Nick that he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to.

  “I have to,” he said.

  That was the end of that conversation. I had to let it go. I hated myself for leaving. My plan to protect them was failing.

  “What were you trying to do, Kristen?” I heard a voice creep into my thoughts.

  I opened my eyes, just realizing that they were closed. I saw Mom and Dr. Cuvo standing over my bed. I was in the cold hospital room with the thin, white blanket over me. I must’ve fallen asleep while they had been in the hallway talking. I started to feel crowded in with the two of them hovering.

  “What? What did you say?” I asked Mom.

  She had crocodile tears in her eyes. It was all an act.

  “I talked to Dr. Cuvo. I know about the other day, and how you had banged your wrists,” she said. “Dr. Cuvo says that it is best that you go to Bent Creek Hospital. You are not well enough to go home with me. I agree with Dr. Cuvo.”

  “Do you know what Bent Creek is, Kristen?” Dr. Cuvo asked.

  I nodded at him, angry, not wanting to talk or see him or Mom anymore. I wanted to be dead. Away, asleep, somewhere, anywhere but here would have been better than the two of them hovering over me. Suddenly I heard the door open. The nurse from my first day in the hospital walked into the room. She said that it was time to change my bandages and that she would help me get cleaned up. Relief washed over me.

  Dr. Cuvo did not leave without shaking my hand. He assured me that he’d be back tomorrow. Mom gave me a kiss and said that she’d be back tomorrow too, and that we were going to talk. She assured me that she was not angry with me. She said that she loved me. Then, she and Dr. Cuvo left me alone with the nurse.

  When they were gone, I looked up at the nurse, thanking her slightly with a smile. It was the first time I had smiled in a long time. The nurse returned the smile kindly.

  She was careful and gentle while she changed my bandages. It was strange to have someone cleaning me like I was a baby. But I knew that I wouldn’t be able to wash my own body for a while. Not only because I couldn’t bathe myself without getting my stitches wet, but also because I couldn’t look down at the horror on my wrists.

  I thought deeply about the things that I had done to get myself here. I thought about how much I had screwed up. I thought about my family and the family I used to have. It seemed like it was right for me to breathe and smile at some point in my life. Then everything had just burst to pieces. There had been more downs than ups. But there had been a point when things were up. Then things had fallen back down, slowly at first, and then more quickly. Things had rapidly turned from chaos and confusion to just plain old misery that had made life terrible. It had even been scary sometimes. I was still scared. Just thinking about it horrified me.

 
I shuddered at the frigid air as the nurse began to undress me. I was sad as the nurse washed me, because I knew that it would have to be like this for a while.

  I wanted to be on this type of rollercoaster: Life. I always remembered the fun rollercoasters. The ones that turned you through seemingly endless and almost horrifying tunnels, and yet they were fun. You never wanted them to end, and when they did, you’re either ready to ride another one or ride the same one again. Nevertheless, the rollercoaster of Life was never ending until your dying day.

  CHAPTER 4

  The next afternoon, Mom and Dr. Cuvo kept true to their word. Dr. Cuvo was the first one I saw. He came in with my chart and his usual smile. When Dr. Cuvo said that it was time to go, Mom was ready to bring me to Bent Creek herself, but Dr. Cuvo said that, by law, the police or an ambulance had to escort me to the psychiatric hospital.

  Mom said she’d meet us at Bent Creek. She took my suitcase with her. She wanted to drive over to Bent Creek in her car. I was glad because I knew it would be awkward for her to ride with me in a police car or an ambulance. I didn’t even remember seeing her in the ambulance on the night I had been rushed to the hospital. She had been holding onto Nicholas to keep him away. I got lost in my thoughts of that night. I must have had a strange look on my face because Dr. Cuvo asked if I was all right.

  “Yes,” I lied.

  “Have you eaten?” Dr. Cuvo asked.

  “Yes, I ate,” I said as I looked away from his eyes.

  We walked down the hallway, followed by the plainly-dressed police officer. The police officer was going to take me to Bent Creek. I began to feel sick inside. That feeling of death came over me. It felt strange to have a police officer following me. I felt like everyone in the hospital was staring at me, as if they knew where I was going and why. My face flushed, and I felt a little dizzy. I tried to keep my head down and stare at my own feet as I walked so that they could not see my eyes. These were my consequences for being so useless and stupid.

  “Kristen?”