Her Page 6

  “Don’t worry about it, Chris,” Janine said to him. “We all know about your DID.”

  “What is DID?” asked Lenni.

  “It is Dissociative Identity Disorder,” Chris said.

  “What does that mean?” Lenni pressed.

  “It means that I have four people living inside of me, besides myself.” Chris said. He seemed sad. “I’m sorry, you guys. Jake has a bad attitude. He doesn’t really like it here, but I like you guys. I’m not trying to be rude.”

  “Who does like it here?” Tai commented.

  “Look, Chris,” Janine said. “Just tell Jake that we’re all in the same position here. Chill out. Nobody wants to be here.”

  I looked past Chris and I saw that Cadence was still staring at me. She was holding her doll against her chest and she was rocking back and forth. I looked away from her.

  “So, what did you do? Did you do one of those cry-for-help things and drag your mom’s steak knife across your skin to get a little blood? Did you take a razor and do a few cuts across the wrists to make some stains? Come on, tell us,” Tai pressed me.

  “Oh, shut up!” Janine spat at her. “Why don’t you tell us what you did?”

  Tai lifted her shirt and showed us her stomach. She had deep stitches from where she said she had stab wounds.

  “Guts,” Tai boasted. “I had guts to do what I did.”

  “Yeah, guts that your crazy ass obviously tried to rip out,” Daniel commented. I looked over at him, shocked to hear him speak.

  Tai smiled and said, “Yeah, but it didn’t work this time.”

  “You think that’s funny?” Lenni asked Chris because he was laughing.

  “I don’t know about Chris, but I do,” said Chris’ evil personality, Jake. “Look what I did to him.” Jake lifted Chris’ sleeves and revealed his scarred arms. He had a countless number of scars and burns. He had words carved into his skin. I could make out the words “die” and “for nothing”.

  “That’s messed up,” Daniel said.

  “What about you, then?” Jake pressed Daniel.

  Daniel cocked his head, raised his hand to Chris’ face, and gave him the bird. Chris must have come back because he looked at Daniel, shocked.

  “Why did you do that to me?” he asked.

  Daniel stood up. I watched him as he ignored Chris and walked over to Ms. Mosley. She scolded him for not standing in line like everyone else had done to get his vitals checked. Daniel told her that he liked being the last one so that he could have conversations with her. She seemed charmed and flattered, because she smiled at him. I looked back at Chris. Next to him, Cadence was grinning at me. It was almost as if she was reading me. She knew I didn’t feel like I belonged here. I didn’t feel like I was like any of these kids. Cadence started laughing harder.

  Tai looked at her. “What the hell is so funny?”

  “Meds!” someone yelled.

  I looked up, and a herd of teenagers was rushing to the nurse’s station.

  “Those of you who take morning medications, please line up at the medicine counter,” called another counselor.

  Daniel stayed near Ms. Mosley.

  “Don’t you have morning medication, Daniel?” Ms. Mosley asked.

  Daniel shook his head.

  She smiled at him.

  Daniel looked up and caught me staring at him again. I quickly looked away. I watched as Cadence stuffed her pills down her throat without drinking the water that the nurse handed out to her. I slowly turned back to Daniel. He was still looking my way. When our eyes met again, he didn’t let me turn away from him without giving me a smile. It was warm. I tried to be kind and smile back, but it was hard. I was still nervous. Boys didn’t smile at me. They only made disgusted faces. I turned to Janine. She was coming towards me from the medicine counter.

  “Come on,” she said as she grabbed my hand. “We have to get in the circle.” She yanked me up and we walked into a room that was one of many in that ward. There was one love seat and a few hard chairs all pushed together to make a circle. Janine quickly pulled me along to the love seat so that we’d be the first to get it. We sat down.

  Janine looked at me and smiled. I tried to smile back, but it was just too early in the morning. Sensing I wasn’t quite with it that morning, Janine shrugged it off. Ms. Mosley entered the room and kids poured in right behind her. Tai came in and slid right between Janine and me. As she was sitting down, I saw her give Janine an evil look. Janine rolled her eyes. I guess it was because Janine was sharing the love seat with me and not her. The three of us fit on the couch, but I still felt odd. Both of them were so tiny. I began to get self-conscious over how chubby I felt. Finally, the room filled up with the kids I had seen in the front area, all except for Lenni, who never came in.

  “Dr. Finch will be in here soon,” Ms. Mosley said. “You guys just sit tight.”

  Cadence walked past me and sat in the chair next to Daniel. Daniel had a small piece of paper that was rolled up in his mouth. He was sucking on the paper, I guess pretending it was a real cigarette. As he reached up to take the paper out of his mouth, I noticed that his hands were shaking badly.

  A tall, dark-skinned man entered the room. I knew he was Dr. Finch because of his professional demeanor. He had a very young face for a doctor. He had a shaved head, a mustache, and a goatee. He was neatly dressed in a pair of khaki pants and a sky blue, button-down shirt with a neatly folded collar. He sat down in an empty chair next to Ms. Mosley. “Good morning, everyone!” he greeted, full of morning cheer.

  There were slurred mumbles of a good morning back to him. Some people didn’t say good morning at all. I didn’t.

  Dr. Finch looked around at everyone. He turned to Ms. Mosley and said, “Ms. Mosley, wasn’t that the most terrible morning greeting you’ve ever heard?”

  Ms. Mosley nodded her head. She said, “We should try this again.”

  “Come on guys. I said good morning!” he tried again.

  Mostly everyone shouted good morning back at him. Tai and Janine shouted as loud and annoyingly as they could. I had to put my hands over my ears. Daniel just sat there with his face in his hands. Cadence stared at him.

  “That was much better. Welcome to your Goals Group. Goals Group is your very first therapy session of the day. The purpose of this group is to help you set some positive and reachable goals every day for yourself. It is always good to have a different goal every day. Don’t use the same goal that you had yesterday, even if you didn’t fulfill that goal. Try it again the day after. When you are choosing a goal for the day, try to make it a real goal. Don’t just say what you think Ms. Mosley or I want to hear. Make that goal reachable and something that is really going to help you.”

  “A cigarette would help me right about now,” Tai whispered to Janine and me.

  Ms. Mosley seemed not to hear what she said, but she still gave her a stern look that made Tai straighten up.

  “Dr. Finch continued, “All right, so we will start by going around the room. Everyone, state your goal for the day and what you will do to try to reach that goal.”

  “Oh,” Ms. Mosley butted in, “I just wanted to say that everyone should state their group goal for the day as well. We discuss group goals in night group with your group counselor. I think that some kids might need a reminder of what their group goal is for the day. So, everyone, make sure that you state that too.”

  Janine looked over at Tai. They grinned at each other. The odd feeling inside of me was getting worse. It felt like they were making fun of me in some kind of way. I leaned back on the love seat and wished that I could disappear.

  Dr. Finch looked at Ms. Mosley and suggested that she go first. Ms. Mosley obliged. “Okay. I’m Ms. Mosley. I am the counselor for Group Two. My goal for today is be on all you all’s butts today. You are not getting away with anything.”

  “Isn’t that your goal every day?” Chris blurted out.

  Suddenly, out of nowhere, Cadence gripped Daniel’s leg and pinc
hed the hell out of him.

  “Ouch!” yelled Daniel as he jumped out of his seat. “Leave me alone!”

  “Okay, let’s get control of ourselves!” Dr. Finch yelled.

  “Did you see her just hurt me? She’s insane!” Daniel was red with anger.

  Tai and Janine were laughing hysterically with everyone else. I seemed to be the only one who thought that this was not funny. Cadence was laughing and she was staring right at me. Her stares were piercing me. I felt my heart beating fast. It could have been the commotion and excitement. It could have been because I was nervous and felt out of place.

  Dr. Finch’s demeanor went from calm to upset. “Cadence, go back to the front unit with Geoffrey. We don’t need this kind of disruption in here.” Dr. Finch pointed to the door. Cadence hesitated and looked at Ms. Mosley.

  “Now!” Dr. Finch yelled.

  Cadence jumped up off the couch as she held her little, resin doll in her arms. As she passed me, she twirled around like she was doing a dance. She stopped and bent down to my level to look me in the eyes.

  “Welcome,” she said. Then, she strolled out of the door.

  I sat still, astounded. My heart was beating faster than before. Janine and Tai were staring at me like I had done something wrong. I slid down lower on the love seat. Maybe, if I keep sliding, I could disappear in between the cushions without anyone noticing, I thought. I was so lost that I didn’t even notice that Chris had begun stating his goals for the day.

  “I am in Group Three,” Chris said. “Our group goal for the day is to try to relate with one of our personalities. I am going to try to relate with Jake. My personal goal for the day is to try to not fight with Jake so much. He thinks that this is his body, but I have to show that I am in control, somehow.”

  Tai went next. “I’m Tai. I am in Group Two. Our group goal is to be nicer to Ms. Mosley today. That was more her idea than ours.”

  Ms. Mosley rolled her eyes at Tai.

  “Anyways,” Tai continued. “My goal for the day is to try not to lose my temper at anyone today. So, I guess in order to do that, I just won’t say too much to people that annoy me.”

  Janine tapped Tai on her arm. They grinned at each other, again.

  “Janine, why don’t you go next?” suggested Ms. Mosley.

  Janine smiled at Ms. Mosley prissily.

  “I’m Janine,” Janine said, “and I am in Group Two. We have to be nicer to Ms. Mosley today. My goal is to eat lunch and dinner.”

  “No! No! No!” yelled a boy from the other side of the room. This boy was tiny and had a mousy voice. He was thin. “You can’t do that! That was your goal from yesterday.”

  “No, my goal for yesterday was to just eat lunch. Today I am going to eat lunch and dinner,” Janine clarified.

  “Yeah, whatever, Janine,” the little boy said. “You didn’t even eat lunch yesterday, so what makes you think you will eat lunch and dinner today, fat ass?”

  Janine jumped up out of her seat and went for the little boy. Dr. Finch grabbed her and made her sit down.

  “Shut up, Josh! Look at yourself! Why don’t you take a look in the mirror?” I could see tears welling up in Janine’s eyes. A few drops fell. Ms. Mosley suggested that Janine go outside with Cadence, but Janine wanted to stay.

  “Why don’t you make Minnie Mouse leave?” she whined. “He’s the one who started with me!”

  “No one is leaving,” Dr. Finch said. “We are all going to get through this and state our goals for the day. That’s what we came here to do, so let’s do it.” Dr. Finch looked at me. “Why don’t you go next?”

  I felt a sharp pain go through my chest. “I… uhh… well, I don’t know what group-”

  “I’ll go next,” Daniel said.

  I felt so stupid.

  “I can’t believe it, a volunteer.” Ms. Mosley said.

  “And of all people,” Chris said. Or maybe it was Jake.

  Daniel showed him his middle finger again. Chris didn’t realize this until Jake had disappeared.

  “Why do you keep doing that to me?” Chris asked.

  “I’m Daniel,” he began, ignoring Chris. “I am in Group Two. Our group goal is to be nice to Ms. Mosley, and we have to be respectful and stuff. My personal goal for today is to be more positive when it comes to talking about my future. I have to say better things about myself and not call myself a loser or whatever.”

  “That is an excellent goal, Daniel,” Dr. Finch complimented. “That’s real and it’s reachable.”

  Everyone stayed silent. Daniel was picking at his shoelaces. It seemed like he could see me staring at him from the corner of his eye. He looked up at me. I turned away quickly. When I looked back at him, he was looking down and messing with his shoelaces again.

  There was another person there, who wasn’t afraid to speak up. He shared after Daniel. He was in Group One, and had scars all over his arms and face. He explained that his scars had come from him being burned in a house fire. He didn’t seem nervous talking to all of the people that he didn’t even know. He was very open, and it seemed like he actually wanted everyone to listen to him.

  Josh, the little one who had mouthed off to Janine, was also in Group One. He was in Bent Creek because he refused to eat. He was mean to Ms. Mosley when she tried to help him set a goal for himself. He said that he’d rather they keep the portable feeding tube in him because he wasn’t going to put anything in his mouth. I could tell that they really didn’t know what to do with that kid, so they gave up on him in Goals Group.

  After everyone else had a chance to speak, Dr. Finch dismissed us from Group. Ms. Mosley ordered everyone to get ready for breakfast. Tai and Janine, along with everyone else, jumped up and darted out of the room. Janine left me, but I didn’t care. It seemed like she’d been scheming on me in Goals Group with Tai, anyway. They probably didn’t like me, I thought. Daniel was still messing with his shoelaces. I looked over at him.

  “I really think your goal was good,” I heard myself say.

  Daniel looked up at me with a shocked look on his face. It was almost as if he had forgotten where he was.

  “Oh,” he said. “Thanks.’

  “Excuse me,” a voice said from above me. I looked up and Dr. Finch was standing over me. “Daniel and I have a session now. Would you leave us?” He was nice about it. I nodded and left the room, closing the door behind me.

  I wished that Dr. Cuvo were there already. Bent Creek did not seem like the place where I belonged. Sure, I was depressed for a little while. However, I didn’t want to be locked up with Bulimics, Multiple Personalities, and Psychos. I just wanted to go home.

  CHAPTER 7

  During breakfast, Janine filled me in on the way things worked at Bent Creek. She told me that our doctors could come day or night, but we were required to see them every single day that we were here. Then, a rumor started that Lenni was able to go home because she’d had a family session the day before and it had gone well. I figured a family session was a good thing in this place. Today, though, I would dread having to face anyone in my family other than my mother.

  The day felt like it had actually begun after breakfast. The first group we attended was Anger Management. It didn’t matter if you were an angry person or not. If your group was scheduled for it, then you had to go. Ms. Mosley, head counselor of Group Two, put me in her group. I was somewhat relieved to be in the same group as Janine. Dr. Bent, who seemed like a laid-back person, moderated anger Management. She didn’t care if the kids swore or even horsed around a little bit before the session began. She talked with some of the kids as they entered the room, and as we waited for everyone to settle into chairs. She seemed cool because she put up really well with Tai and Janine’s constant noise.

  “Take a few minutes,” Dr. Bent began, “and think of a situation that happened that made you very angry. Now, I don’t want you to pick something major, like what landed you in here, but something that could happen to anyone, on any day. You know, just somethi
ng normal that you figure could make anyone angry.”

  Tai rolled her eyes. She grunted to Dr. Bent, “I don’t think I understand what you mean.”

  “What’s so confusing about this exercise, Tai?” Dr. Bent asked.

  Tai flared her big nostrils at Dr. Bent.

  She said, “I need to know what you mean by ‘normal’. Do you mean something normal like someone making you angry because they cut you off in traffic, or do mean something normal like your step-mother beating the hell out of you for hugging your own father because she is a jealous, old hag who’s nothing but a mooching, gold-digger? Is that what you mean by ‘normal,’ Dr. Bent? Are both of those things something that could happen to just anyone? Or are we just some kind of special group of people where the ‘normal’ things are just ‘normal’ things that can happen to anyone kind of things, and the ‘really major’ things are what we get for not having the ‘normal’ things happen to us, like it could happen to anyone else? Because if you are asking me to say which is normal for me, and you say that the one I choose is not normal, then I think that’s just screwed up, and I don’t deserve it, and none of us do.”

  It took me a minute to swallow all of that. Dr. Bent seemed to be right on basis with Tai. Dr. Bent leaned forward, still making eye contact with Tai. Tai turned her head slightly and looked away from her. Tai had tears in her eyes and she was trying not to let them fall. I watched as Janine scooted away from Tai. Dr. Bent was so calm. She kept her eyes on Tai, even though Tai wouldn’t look at her.

  She said, “Which one of those two things you mentioned is normal for you, Tai?”

  Tai was breathing heavily. She turned back to Dr. Bent with a sharp gaze and wet cheeks.

  “Screw you!” she yelled at Dr. Bent.

  I thought for sure that Dr. Bent was going to throw her out. Everyone stared at Tai. There were about ten seconds of shocked silence until Dr. Bent opened her mouth and said, “Yeah! Screw me! Screw you! You know what? Screw this! Screw everyone in here! Screw the whole world! Isn’t that right, Tai? It works that way in this stupid world! Just screw everything. That’s why it’s okay to take a knife and slide it across our skin! That’s why it’s okay to take drugs, drink, and smoke our lives away! That’s why it’s okay to run away from home, steal, and become junkies! That is why it’s okay to kill ourselves, and try to take the rest of the world with us, everyone who cares about us, and everyone who doesn’t! Yeah, that’s why it’s okay, because everything is screwed.”