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  Everyone kept quiet. We stared at Dr. Bent. I never imagined Anger Management to be full of so many angry people. Even the doctor was angry.

  Tai had even more tears coming out of her now. She was pouring like a fountain. She sat back in the chair with her arms folded across her chest. She, like the rest of us, was looking right at Dr. Bent. Janine was very far away from Tai. It was as if she didn’t even want to be near her. Janine kept looking back and forth from Dr. Bent to Tai.

  Dr. Bent finally said, in a much calmer tone, “Everything got screwed up by someone saying ‘screw it’. They just give up. It makes it harder on others who haven’t. The messed up things in this world are all around us. It’s up to us if we are going to give up too, or learn to deal and make it better for ourselves. Tai, one day when you learn to not let your temper get the best of you, and you stay silent, listen, learn, and put it all together in your mind, you’ll know the difference between the ‘normal’ things and what’s just ‘screwed up’.”

  Tai wiped her face and didn’t say a word. Janine looked at her with a strange expression that I couldn’t understand. Tai’s face grew dark.

  Tai looked at Dr. Bent and said, “Let’s leave my lectures in my private therapy sessions, please.”

  I could tell she was trying to show off.

  Janine smiled at Tai for her smart remark and smooth comeback to Dr. Bent. She seemed embarrassed, perhaps because she’d cried in front of everyone.

  Dr. Bent remained calm and said, “That’s fine, Tai. However, know that I will get deep when you get deep with me. I am going to answer that question if you ask it, whether it’s in here or in your private sessions with me. To answer the question you asked me, none of those things that hurt us are normal. You were right, none of us deserves to be hurt by people we are supposed to trust, nor should we be cut off in traffic by rude people, but these things happen. How do we manage to cope and how do we manage our anger when these things do happen? That is what we’re here to learn.”

  Tai stared down at the floor. She didn’t respond.

  “Okay,” Dr. Bent said. “Daniel, you want to go next?”

  “Sure,” he said after clearing his throat. “I remember walking in the grocery store with my mom and my grandmother. My paternal grandmother was with us, and she is Black. Well, my mom is White. Anyways, there was a man, and he had said some racist stuff to us. My mom,” Daniel paused and shook his head, “she didn’t say anything. We walked away from the guy. It made me so mad. I could have just-” Daniel balled up his left fist and punched his right hand hard. I watched as his right hand turned deep red.

  Dr. Bent leaned on the arm of her chair and asked Daniel, “What did you do?”

  “I stayed quiet too. I just walked out with my mom and tried to keep her calm.” He said it as if he regretted it.

  “You said you were there with your father’s mother and your mother. Where was your father?” Dr. Bent asked.

  Daniel answered, “He was in jail at the time.”

  “What was he in jail for?”

  “He was in jail for beating some guy into a coma at a bar for making a pass at my mom.” Daniel hid his face from us by looking down at the floor. He started messing with his shoelaces again.

  “A lesson within itself. Isn’t that right Daniel?” Dr. Bent said.

  “Yeah, but I still wish I could have done something.” Daniel untied and retied his shoes. His face was red like his hand had been.

  “You would feel that way,” Dr. Bent said. “And you are allowed to feel that way. It was something that caused you to feel angry.”

  “This is Anger Management, right?” Tai commented.

  “What about Screwed Up Life, Management?” laughed one of the other kids.

  Dr. Bent laughed and said, “That’s a different kind of group.”

  “What time is that group, Dr. Bent?” Daniel said as he laughed with everyone else.

  His eyes squinted slightly when he laughed. When he squinted, it made his eyes glow between his lashes. It was amazing to look at. Those eyes made me smile.

  “I don’t know, but I think we should all go,” Dr. Bent said as the laughter subsided. “Okay, everyone, calm down. Who wants to go next?”

  There was silence, and everyone looked around the room at each other. Tai was in better spirits and she kept messing around with Janine. She grabbed Janine’s arm and tried to make her raise it in the air.

  Dr. Bent ignored them and looked at Cadence. “How about you, Cadence?”

  Cadence slid close to Daniel, and Daniel scooted away from her. She licked her lips and nodded at Dr. Bent. Dr. Bent smiled and we all waited, but the weirdo didn’t say anything. She just stared at Daniel, smiling.

  Daniel finally said, “What’s your problem?”

  He got up and sat in an empty chair next to me. I shuddered and tried not to look at him. Cadence was staring at me again. This time she looked like she wanted to kill me. I looked down at my shoes. My shoelaces were untied. I started tying my shoes. I zoned out and tuned out everything around me. I didn’t know that Dr. Bent was trying to get my attention until I felt someone tap me, which startled me so badly that I jumped, and it made Daniel jump, because he was the one that had tapped me.

  “Ouch,” Daniel said as he jerked back. “Your shirt’s got static. You shocked me.”

  “Sorry,” I whispered, not sure if he heard me. I kept my head down as I tied my shoes.

  “Dr. Bent’s talking to you,” I heard Daniel say. “Are you sleeping?”

  I looked up and everyone was staring at me. Cadence wasn’t in the room anymore. Dr. Bent must have kicked her out. Dr. Bent asked me my name. I told her that my name was Kristen. She wanted me to go next, but Janine stopped me.

  She said, “Dr. Bent, this is her first day. Maybe it would be better for her to listen until she is more comfortable. You remember how I was at first.”

  Dr. Bent nodded. She asked me if I wanted to listen for now and maybe talk later on. I nodded and looked back down at my shoes. Janine gave me a playful nudge, and I rocked slightly. Dr. Bent made Janine share because she had saved me. Janine started going on about a woman who’d cut her off in traffic while she’d been taking her driver’s license exam. She confessed that her response had been yelling out and calling the old woman an “old, stank bag wench”. Which Dr. Bent told her was probably the reason she failed her test, not because it was the old woman’s fault. She said it was a negative consequence to a negative action.

  Daniel laughed when Janine said that she had called the lady an “old, stank bag wench”.

  Daniel said, “That was definitely not the right way to react, Janine.”

  “Shut up,” she said as she playfully stuck her tongue out at him. “I get to try again next week.”

  “If you are out of here,” Tai said.

  I didn’t really believe Janine’s story. She elbowed Tai in her side and made a silly face at her. Daniel laughed along with them. Everyone seemed connected. I felt out of place.

  CHAPTER 8

  “Nick? Where are you?”

  I felt my chest rise in pain with each breath I took. It was almost as if my heart was trying to escape from my chest. Tears were streaming from my eyes. I was moving in slow motion. Nick was lying on the floor, naked. It was too dark to see him clearly. It was late in the night. I was tired. I’d wanted a drink of water, so I headed for the kitchen. I’d been passing by Nick's bedroom when suddenly I’d stopped.

  “Nickyroo? Why are you on the floor?”

  I slowly peeked through the door. I could almost see in.

  “NICK!”

  I suddenly opened my eyes. I looked around, and I saw Janine laughing with Tai on the sofa. I had fallen asleep on the floor in the living room. Cadence was watching television with her doll and Chris, along with a few other kids. Everyone was in his or her place with other people. I was alone in my place. I looked up from under my arm and I saw Daniel coming towards me. I smiled. He sat down on the floor
next to me. I tried to sit up and listen to him as he started talking, but as soon as he got out two words that sounded like, “What are-” Dr. Cuvo appeared out of nowhere. I was actually glad to see him.

  “Are you ready, Kristen?” he asked me.

  I jumped up off the floor and followed him to one of the empty rooms used for group therapy. Before he closed the door completely behind us, I started to give him a piece of my mind.

  “I want to go home,” I said.

  Dr. Cuvo sat down quietly in a chair and opened my chart.

  “Come on and sit down, Kristen”

  I sat down, impatient and a little upset.

  “Please, Dr. Cuvo. I really don’t belong here.”

  “Yes, I heard you, Kristen. I can’t do anything about you wanting to go home. You have to stay here until it is safe for you to go home. You have not even been here twenty-four hours yet. The first twenty-four hours are for observation. You haven’t even gotten into your therapy.”

  “What is my therapy? Morning medication? Anger Management? Sessions with you? More of everyone-” I made myself shut up.

  “More of everyone doing what?”

  “No, Dr. Cuvo.” I felt dumb again. I couldn’t get out what was locked in my mind. Mr. Sharp was pressing in on me. He was close by; I could feel him creeping in on me.

  Dr. Cuvo pressed in on me too.

  “What are you feeling, Kristen? What do you feel that everyone in here is doing?”

  “Everyone: Janine, Tai, Cadence. They are all talking about me. They are calling me ugly when I am not looking, and they are laughing at me. I hear them, and I can’t just go to that place. I can’t just go in my room and get away from them. I don’t belong here. Can I just go home?”

  Warm tears started running down my face. I felt stupid. Maybe they weren’t talking about me, or maybe they were, because I’d seen them laughing.

  “Let me tell you something, Kristen,” Dr. Cuvo began. “I know that kids can be cruel. I know that, in your experience with your peers, a lot people have been very mean to you. If you feel that anyone in here is talking about you, you should go to that person and ask them what their problem is. I can bet that the problem that they tell you is not you. You are probably the furthest from any of these kids’ minds. Also, I don’t think that any of them have any reason to laugh at you because they are no better than you while you all are in here.”

  “Why do I keep feeling like they are laughing at me?” I asked him.

  “I think it is because you are used to that happening from when you were in school. Understand, this is not school. Bent Creek is not a place where you have the cool clique and the rejects. This is a place where everyone is equal. Everyone has imperfections and feels insecure. There’s no hiding it. So, instead of taking the laughter that you hear and using it against yourself, why don’t you take it as an invitation to laugh with them? Share yourself the way they are trying to share with you. I think it will help you to see what’s really going on.”

  I nodded and stared out of the one window behind Dr. Cuvo.

  “Maybe you're right,” I said as I thought about it. His point was valid. I hadn’t bothered to think of the situation the way he had described it.

  “How are your wrists?” Dr. Cuvo asked.

  I shrugged.

  “They are okay. I keep them wrapped up. Is a doctor coming to look at the stitches?”

  Dr. Cuvo nodded.

  “There should be a nurse coming today to take your blood for tests. The nurse should help you get cleaned up so that you don’t get your stitches wet. It will be like when you were in the main hospital.”

  I sighed in relief. I’d been almost embarrassed to ask.

  “I talked to your mother, Kristen,” Dr. Cuvo said.

  “Is she coming here today?” I asked.

  “No, you can’t have any visitors while you are at Level One. At any rate, while I was talking to your mother, she told me that she was going through your knife collection.”

  “What was she doing with my knives?” I asked.

  “What were you doing with your knives, Kristen?”

  “I collected them.”

  “What else?”

  He was looking at my arms. There were old scars from my cutting. I pulled down my sleeves, and kept my gaze towards the window. I didn’t feel as trapped when I did that.

  “I already know, even if you don’t want to tell me.” He was still staring at me, but I wasn’t staring back.

  “She told me about how she’d had problems with you cutting yourself with those knives. Do you want to tell me about the knives, Kristen?”

  I didn’t say a word. I kept looking out of the window. I was trying hard not to break. She hadn’t told him everything. I was sure she hadn’t told him the truth behind it all. She was putting it all on me, like she always did. It was easy for Mom to do it that way. Make it twist and turn until it fit the way she wanted it to fit. My mind started racing as the temperature in the room dropped. I wandered off as Dr. Cuvo spoke about the knives. I didn’t want to hear him. So, I let myself drift off.

  I leaned down, not really sure what it was at the bottom of the tub. I reached in and pulled it out of the drain. Whatever was in that drain was causing it to stop up. When I got it out, I examined its plastic texture and rubbery feel. When I realized what it was, I felt myself gag, and I quickly threw the condom into the toilet. Mom suddenly appeared at the bathroom door, and she stared at me as I stared into the toilet.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  I had been busy cleaning up the bathroom, and trying to get my chores done before she and Jack got home, that I didn’t even realize the time. Nick and Alison were in their bedrooms. Mom was now standing next to me, staring into the toilet too.

  “Where did you get that?” Mom had fear in her voice.

  I put my hands up as if I were under arrest. She looked at the large, yellow, cleaning gloves on my hands.

  “It’s not mine, Mom,” I said. “I was cleaning the bathroom, and I found it in the drain. It was stopping up the tub.” Mom looked into the toilet and I watched as her face flushed white.

  “Mom, you and Dad haven’t taken a shower together in a really long time,” I said. “But he and-”

  “Shut up.” Her voice scared me. It didn’t sound like her.

  “Huh?”

  “I said shut up, Kristen!” she was yelling at me now. She leaned over and quickly flushed the toilet. “Don’t come at me with this mess. I am tired. I just got home from work. I can’t deal with this right now. What are you trying to do to us?”

  I swallowed all the pain that was in my chest and in my throat.

  “Mom, I wasn’t trying to do anything. I just was saying that I found this in the tub. Jack, he’s been-”

  “Since when is he Jack?” she asked.

  “I mean, Dad’s been-”

  “You know what, Kristen? I don’t want to hear any more of this. Just leave me alone and let me get some rest before your brother and sister realize that I am home, and what little bit is left of my sanity is gone. You really know how to cross that line with me, don’t you? You really make things hard on us. Just stay away from me for the rest of the night. I don’t want to see your face.”

  Her words echoed in my head. The feeling that I had gotten so much. That pain that seemed to linger in me wouldn’t go away. It was like metal had begun to form in my chest and take the form of a ball. The ball stayed there, and slowly, had begun to turn.

  All of this would have been done and over with. I wouldn’t have had to remember these things or feel these things if I had just been able to die. Tears started falling from my eyes. I was crying so hard, I could hardly breathe. Mr. Sharp couldn’t appear. The talk about knives made him want to come out.

  I started screaming, “Stop it! Stop it!” I kept hitting myself in the head as hard as I could while I was screaming. I wanted the thoughts to get out! They had to stop!

  Dr. Cuvo grabbed my arms
. He was trying to stop me.

  “Kristen! What’s going on? What is happening? Talk to me, and stop hitting yourself.”

  I slapped myself in the face, hard. I wouldn’t stop slapping until I felt numb. Dr. Cuvo got a tight grip on both of my wrists. He squeezed them. I screamed out in pain as the pain and pressure I felt went through my wrists and out the other sides. The pain that I was feeling inside made it almost unbearable. It made me stop fighting. I looked up at Dr. Cuvo.

  His face was the color of a beet. His eyes were huge, and I could tell that he was holding his breath. His large, deep eyes were staring right at me. The compassionate look on his face stung me deeply.

  “Stop it,” I cried softly to him.

  He slowly turned my wrists loose from his tight grip, but he stayed close to me. His eyes still stared into mine.

  “I’m trying to make it stop. I want to make it stop, Kristen. Please, you have to help me.”

  “I don’t know how!” I cried to him.

  “Let me help you,” Dr. Cuvo said.

  I couldn’t say anything. The pain from the metal ball in my chest made it hurt too much to speak. Dr. Cuvo let me cry. I cried until I felt numb again. When I felt numb, I wiped my eyes, sat back, and looked back out the window. Dr. Cuvo said that he wasn’t going to make me talk to him. He could see that I was upset. I didn’t want to say anything. I was in the perfect place. I was in the place that Mr. Sharp would let me go when I had my knives, or my silver butterfly, with its sharp wings.